The Pain of Cheating

There are always at least three "victims" when one person cheats on another.

1. The person who is being cheated on
2. The person whom is used to cheat on another
3. The person who does the cheating

When there are children involved, the children become victims too. Whether the cheating gets uncovered or not. Your friends get involved, they hurt for you. Your work suffers because you want to crawl up in a hole and die because the pain is so unbearable. And if the cheating takes enough breath from the people involved, entire groups of people and even entire communities and nations get affected (no need to remind us of the Clinton scandal).

But what happens when you ask the person to stop it because it hurts so much but he just won't stop (because the list of excuses is always the same)?

My Dad started an affair with his much younger secretary when I was 10 years old. Two years later it had blossomed to the kind of relationship he found it worth to leave his wife and two children for. He left and took my sister.

I remember feeling like he cheated on me, not my mother, but me personally. I never asked myself what I could have done differently to not have him leave; my Dad was weak and I never respected my Dad the way Dads deserve to be respected. And in a way I was glad his tyranny stopped. Dealing with my angry mother became a whole other world for me; one I didn't want to be part of anymore.

I was confused about whom I should be angry at: men for being cheating dogs and pigs or women for stealing married fathers from their little girls.

I decided to hate them both. And so I spent the next few years in hatred, which only caused me to get sick and sicker and sicker until I found myself on my death bed. To get the whole story you'll have to get the 6-hour audio program; it's a long story with a happy ending. For the sake of this post, let's just say that my father's cheating was not what hurt me, it was how he handled the situation after he came clean with it. People make mistakes and it takes two or three to cheat. Mistakes are to be forgiven. But what if someone continues to hurt you with the same pain over and over again even after you beg them to stop?

For years I swore to myself that I would never get married; I knew that I could never bare getting cheated on twice. When I met my future husband to be I changed my mind. He just didn't seem like the kind of guy that would cheat on me or anyone for that matter. And yet the first seven years of our marriage were spent in hell each time we had a fight. I was convinced that he would eventually cheat on me just like my father had, it was just a matter of time. I did so much injustice to my husband, and for that I'm so sorry. Lots of self-growth and therapy and after layers and layers of forgiveness spells I was able to let go of the hurt and pain from my Dad cheating and I also removed the burden from my husband.

Our marriage wasn't built on that solid stuff lasting marriages were supposed to be built on, and so it only lasted 14 years. But one thing my husband and I never did was cheat on each other. And for that I am eternally grateful.

And then I met a man I was utterly convinced was my Twin Soul. We were so intertwined and the same that it many ways it could be considered spooky. We even had body parts that showed identical markings, only on the other side. I had a mole on the left side of my face at the exact same spot where his was on the right side; even the mole looked the same. His right ankle was messed up, as was my left ankle. He had green dots in his eyes and I have yellow dots in my eyes. Our hands were shaped almost identical, only his were super sized. We even had obtained the almost identical injuries to our bodies over our life time. Experienced the same childhood stories in many ways, just amazing our lives as separate beings, yet so much the same. The most amazing thing was the way we could almost read each others' thoughts and feelings and the way we could feel each others' internal organs. I could feel his blood pressure and see his blood get pumped through his heart at certain intervals that painted a clear energetic picture for me, which in turn showed me his blood pressure as high or low. We could be standing or sitting hugging and as soon as his blood pressure would drop I could see it and feel it inside my own body. If I would wake up in the middle of the night, he would wake up at the same time and feel my anxiety, even though we were physically apart. It was simply amazing.

Yet no matter how much we felt that we were Twin Souls and how much we loved each other, he continued to cheat on me and so on himself and us.

I had never been cheated on, except by my father, and I remember the pain as if it was yesterday. The request to have this agony stop remained unheard, excuses came flowing in and nothing changed. Until the day my heart felt as though it broke to pieces. It was the day of our anniversary, when he cheated one last time. I could not take it anymore.

All my life I have lived my life as a "wall flower" in this department, like a good girl, a god-fearing woman, a one-man kind of woman, never having a one-night stand, wanting to serve my man whole heartedly, never allowing myself the space of unsafety, always caring for my soul with deep adoration and saving myself for the one Twin Soul. And yet I have made huge mistakes along the way and I have paid with much heartache as many others have. Why did I feel it necessary to muddy myself and letting myself be dipped in filth by a human being I had entrusted my fragile soul to this person? Most would call it blind faith, having those rose glasses on, love is blind, you know the drill. It was because of all the good we had in our relationship, it outweighed the cheating, at least so I told myself. But cheating hurts like hell, everyone who has ever been cheated on knows this first hand and you would like nothing more than to forget that nightmare. All you can think of and see if your beloved person being physically involved with that other person and it puts you on a downward spiral you can't seem to get out of; it's a nightmare you can't seem to wake up from.

For me it's the ultimate place of feeling unsafe, of having lost trust in this other person whom I have entrusted my soul in all its glory, as fragile as I was, only so he could drop it and trample it in the most defiling way possible. Some of you may not understand this, perhaps as I continue writing as the days and weeks and months go on, you will too.

Sometimes it takes a whole lot of pain from one person to another before we wake up. I had the opportunity to never get involved with this person, but because of how I felt it was my sincerest belief that this might just be my Twin Soul that I chose to get involved and gently dabble in what became an amazing journey otherwise. Filled with bliss, filled with agony because he wouldn't stop cheating.

Now looking back I am looking for hindsight to be my best friend - what was my lesson? Why did I let myself get treated so poorly?

Cheating is never okay, under no circumstances, and for no reason. If your spouse is no longer the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then have the balls to leave her and keep your children in the holiness and dignity they deserve. I remember asking my mother why she stayed with my Dad when she didn't love him and she said: "Because of you and your sister."

I hated my mother for making us the glue to her unhappiness. At 12 years old I felt that she should have left him for the chance of finding someone else and get a chance at happiness. She said: "It was the 60s and I had 2 kids to support, not an easy time to find another man."

Bullshit all those excuses!

There are plenty of men who fall in love with pregnant women and are willing to adopt these children as theirs. There are plenty of great men out there! Making excuses is just another way of saying that you're weak and you don't deserve a chance at true love.

For those of you out there who have ever been cheated on - please stop being the martyr, you don't deserve to be cheated on, ever. There is never a good excuse or explanation. It's just plain wrong!

How can the person who claims to be your Twin Soul and love you so unconditionally get it on with somone else in the first place? Out of habit, out of duty, out of some sick and twisted responsibility? If he truly loved you and cared for you, all he would see is your hurt face while he's with someone else. That alone should make him rethink his actions. But obviously he's got a side to him that allows him to "tuck you away" until he's done with his most hurtful deed. Not much love there, if you ask me...

So feel your pain, own your part in it, let go of the anger eventually, and send the person who hurt you so much your blessings. Let them have the person they continue to cheat with, and wish them well, while you look on to grow from this and get ready for the true Twin Soul who would never hurt you in such a way. No matter how much it breaks your heart to move on. Your heart will heal in due time. For now let it be, let them go, and put your focus on you once again. Be gentle with yourself and love yourself first and foremost and swear to yourself to never let yourself be dragged through the mud in such a terrible way again.

Because no one deserves to feel so much torture and agony - no one.