Falling Trees, Broken Hearts, Misconceptions and Moving On

A while back I had met a man whom I soon came to think of as my possible Twin Soul. It was out of this world how similar we were and yet how we satisfied both spectrums of the energetic pole. It was truly as if we were two halves joining back together. And please don't think that we're "halves" walking around, or that we're incomplete without another person. Not at all.

And yet in spite of our agreement that our relationship was one out of a billion, he chose someone else. Our light scared him so much that he didn't come through for us. It has taken me weeks now to "recover" and trying to wrap my head around what really happened, how anyone can possibly let such a whole relationship go and settle for mediocrity.

I went to the library for answers. I went there looking for something, but I didn't know what. I just knew I would get answers there. I came across an audio tape presentation from Caroline Myss called "Sacred Contracts." I had been "preaching" sacred agreements for decades, mostly to myself. It's as if we return to this plane with the people we have arrangements with to meet and go through various lessons in this life. It's an act of love really. And yet most of us scuff at the idea that we return with a person so they can hurt us and we in turn have to learn forgiveness. Yet that's exactly how it is.

Caroline Myss and her "Sacred Contracts" reminded me of this bigger picture and it helped me have compassion on the choices this man made. When I first realized that he didn't choose "us" I got angry and hurt and disappointed. I cried all day long, cried myself to sleep, wrote a lot and went on and on asking God for mercy. All day long I said: "Mercy, God, please have mercy on me and take this pain away."

I spent the second week learning from "Sacred Contracts" and slowly my feelings of anger turned into feelings of abandonment and victimhood. "Poor me, he left me, how could he throw such a beautiful thing away." I found wisdom in the woods, hiking and crying to God, hugging trees and getting mercy from the land that takes "abuse" every season out of the year.

I spent the third week practicing compassion and understanding while realizing that he did stick to our agreement, whatever this agreement was. It wasn't meant for him to choose me, or he would have. It was our agreement for him NOT to choose me so I could learn forgiveness and compassion, and so he perhaps could feel loss and learn how to take personal responsibility. Both of us learn the valuable lesson not to be victims but to realize that we're creators.

During my last hike in the woods a few days ago, I continued praying for him and myself, asking God to speak to me with his all-wise and compassionate all-knowing and all-seeing existence. I had taken this hike several times and knew the trails pretty good. This time it was different. It had rained the day before and it was a bit stormy. The trails were covered with fallen branches and dead wood all around me. I had to step over them constantly. I looked at the trees above me and the dead branches on the trails and all around me and suddenly it hit me like a brick wall...

We're like trees, we get planted and we grow and our roots get stronger and deeper as the years go on. Our leafs are like the people or the experiences that come and go in and out of our lives. The slightest wind, or at least Fall, will make them go away. Branches are part of the tree structure. They hold up the tree and make sure the tree's equilibrium remains balanced. The leafs of these trees had fallen way back in Fall, however, it's now March and the trees are getting ready to form new buds and new blossoms. BUT, and this is a big BUT, before this new growth can take place, the tree has to shake off its dead weight. The branches that no longer are able or capable of carrying leafs and thus buds. These branches would only draw nutrients from the tree that are better used by the branches that do hold buds and flowers. So nature has this built-in shedding process by sending rain and winds to get rid of dead material.

We too, as people, get involved in relationships, jobs and affairs of life that may be non-beneficial for our long term growth and well being. It may start out great, strong and lush looking, but as soon as life brings rain and wind, the branch cracks and falls off.

So rather than being sad at the loss, I now continue my lesson in realizing that just because this relationship with this man is not what it seemed, doesn't mean he was bad or the relationship was bad and therefore it is now "rotten" and had to die. Not at all. Because just like branches and leaves fall to the ground provide nourishment for life on earth, this relationship continues to do "its thing" inside of me and inside of him. In other words, just like a dead branch provides food for a termite and other beings, this seeming dead relationship now continues providing me with nourishment of lessons. Just like the branch only seems dead, what really happened is that it just grew too weak to remain connected to the overall tree. Relationships often become too weak, for whatever reason, and they "fall."

While I'm still hurting quite a bit about "what could have been" in this relationship, I'm also accepting that we must have had an amazing contract and we stuck to it. So one day when we're on the other side, we get to hug and give each other high fives for having helped each other with lessons that I could never have learned without him.

Letting Go vs. Holding On

When is it appropriate to “let go” someone vs. to “hold on” to someone?

Have you ever felt like someone is your Twin or could be your Twin but there are also things about them that make you wonder?

Have you ever had a situation where you knew the right thing to do but you didn’t do the right thing out of loyalty to that person, or perhaps out of the addiction you have to that person?

You may have spent your childhood with that person or a big part of your adult life, and you can’t imagine them not being there anymore. But the pain you feel because of the choices they make, is almost unbearable. So when do you cut the line, draw the line, shift the line or do whatever you have to with “this line” and send them on their way so you don’t have to compromise your Self anymore?

A few years ago I had let a best friend of 12 years go because what I found out about her was so contradictory to my own beliefs and my own values, that she became the “test” for me to see if I would sell out or not. I struggled with the reality of judging her. I didn't want to judge her for the choices she made, and at the same time I wasn't willing to turn my head away from those parts that would jeopardize my own integrity. I let her go and today, more than 4 years later, I have no regrets about it. In fact, after our parting other people of much higher quality of character started to enter my life and life took a turn for the better for me.

A couple of years later I tried to remember the blessings that came out of me sticking up for what is right and I tried to have a similar talk with a friend and it didn't go over too well. I found myself in a similar boat and I had to make the same decision once again. And it was harder this time, as most tests are, even though it “shouldn’t” be. I struggled to “cut loose” and “let go” but I didn't want to “hold on” to the friendship either – because I overall realized that we had already lost whatever we had to hold on to for dear life.

I have a saying and belief that whatever is mine cannot be taken away from me. So if it’s mine and I let it go, it will come back to me tenfold. If it doesn’t come back it was never mine to begin with. Why is it so hard to break other people’s hearts just so we can stay in integrity with our own karma and life journey?

I did let go and today, more than 2 years later I see how it was the absolutely best thing, once again, for all parties involved. It took me a long time to get over hurting this person's feelings. Hard at first, heart-breaking even, but time is a great healer and new people of even higher integrity started to appear.

A year later I was given the opportunity again, just to test myself one more time, the entire "sifting process" took less than a month. The healing process took less than a day. It's the way lessons work. The first time is hard, the second time is even harder. However, if we put our integrity (or God) at the top of our priority list, suddenly you realize that the third time is easy. And then suddenly you realize that you have a strength about your character that serves as a repellent and new people without integrity won't even come into your energetic field. And better yet, those that do come into your field because they want to change and they're looking to get nourishment from you. Now THAT is the true blessing.

Women and Trees and the Wind

And my quest for my Twin Soul continues, and so do the lessons. I had mentioned that one of my requests to the Universe is the gift of detachment, of letting go and giving up control. It's a tall order and a powerful request and already I am being given opportunities to practice detachment (perhaps more than I bargained for).

Today I talked to a friend and out came the words: "I've let go of the outcome and am just moving on and forward with my life." I am realizing that I think and say these words more than I ever have, and it's because detachment from things and people, even life itself, is very dear to my heart. Above all I want peace and freedom. Most might ask what the heck is wrong with me wanting to let go of life and people and circumstances. The truth is that our bodies and this life doesn't really exist on the same plane as does our light source from which we came from and to which we are returning to. In other words, this life and everything you see is an illusion serving the great divine purpose for us to get reunited at the mountain top. I want to get to that mountain top rather than lingering here in the jungle, walking this evolutionary journey as a non-conscious individual being. I'm part of the whole, a fragment of you, if you will.

Giving up control to any outcome is a scary thing because after all, it's kind of what we're all about on this worldly plane. We start companies to have success, not to "let go of the outcome." We start relationships so we can "hold on" to the partnership. We exercise so we can be healthy, not so we can let go of health. It's a tricky thing to explain what I mean by "detachment." But I shall give it a try nonetheless.

A tree is feminine, with roots deep and wide into the soil, holding her down, letting her stand straight and firm. The wind is male, and comes to ruffle her leaves on a daily basis. Sometimes harder than other times. We've never seen a tree's branches reach out and trying to grab on to the wind, kind of like saying: "You stay here, I'm not gonna let you go!" It doesn't work this way in nature. Feminine and masculine work together in unison and synchronicity, and exclusive trust that can only be described as divine. Yet in relationships and life in general, we refuse to "let go" of the order of things, we want to hold back people because we want them in our lives.

The clearest example is that of funerals. Most people cry because they have lost a person. In there lies the key, THEY have lost the person. They cry for selfish reasons really. Because most people don't have a clue of where the deceased person is or how that person is "feeling" on the other plane. In other words, we have a hard time letting go even of death. We refuse to work with Life and accept life and death as an inseparable team. We love life, we hate death. It's when we get to love both the same that we have made major strides to walking a higher evolutionary journey. This also includes letting go of peope who are not meant to be in our lives, as friends, family members or our life partners.

As a woman who wants to learn how to detach myself from the outcome of finding and reuniting with my Twin Soul I have to look to Nature to finding the examples there. I certainly can't look in any magazine to tell me how I should be as a woman, I would miserably fail. Nature has something down that we as humans seem to screw up because we interfere too much with our egos, rather than living from within. With our male and analytical brain we overrule the deep and mysterious, only to find that we become jagged and hard and stubborn. As a woman, however, I am dedicated to being "all woman" through and through. And it's one of the easiest and also one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I am not physically attached to my Twin Soul like Siamese Twins are, and so I walk as a seeming separate being, seemingly responsible for just myself, working and earning money (masculine side) and walking my evolutionary path dedicated to "going home" to our light source (feminine quality). And yet, energetically speaking I am very much attached and united with my Twin Soul, even though he's not occupying my physical space as of yet. So it's about bridging the gap between now and then, and doing so in the truest sense of my essence, which is feminine.

As a single woman I have a responsibility to my Twin Soul to work on my femininity, not to foster and grow his masculine essence. In doing so I would only keep him farther apart. The question is, how can I as a stand-alone and single woman treasure and increase my feminine essence, the round aspect of my being, and prepare a space for his arrival while still taking care of "his functions" while I living life?

This post may be confusing to some, because it may not make sense to you, and that's okay. It will make sense to my Twin Soul. I am dedicated to working on my feminine essence, on being like a solid tree, letting you ruffle my leaves with your gentle caresses, while standing strong in Mother Earth, and allowing you to fully penetrate my every branch and leaf with your soft massaging attempts to wow me.

I may need more help in the surrendering process than I'd like to admit. So I am putting it out there into the Universe: please forgive me if I take over leadership, if I tell you how to walk your path and how to pave our journey ahead of us. It's not my job, I am fully aware. My job is to BE, your job is to DO. When I fail, know that I long to "just be" and that perhaps I take over your responsibilities because I don't see your actions keeping us safe. I may push and test you unconsciously, to see if you'll break. Because if you falter and crumble and shrivel under my pushing, the world certainly will crush you. Above all I want to BE, just BE, and I can only BE and detach and surrender to you completely, if I know that you will not let us be crushed by the world. So please stand up to me. When I push don't falter but open me up to your love instead. MAKE ME trust you by lovingly opening me to your leadership. The sun and wind are your teachers (and mine) and the moon and trees are mine (and yours). Above all, lead me with actions more than with your words...