Saying Good Bye

Sometimes we have to say goodbye to the ones we love. We feel as though life has come to an abrupt halt. We can't function, can't think, can't do the simplest things in life, forget to even brush our teeth. It's okay - be gentle with yourself, take your time and in due time you will find your path again. Watch this video for inspiration and motivation.

Hard Women

After my last post about the sun and moon, something interesting opened up in me. It's nothing new to me that I should write about something and before I know it, more of the same topic suddenly surrounds me with plenty of examples to feed on and grow by. We live in an amazing Universe.

I talked about women who become hard and start to show "jagged" lines in their facial maps when they turn into "men" and start taking reigns into their own hands. I seem to know this better than anyone, having grown up with a father who was disappointed that I wasn't born a boy. While I loved hanging out with the boys and seemed to have a lot more in common with them when growing up, it's as if I was screaming at the Universe: "More of this please!" and the Universe submissively obliged by saying: "Your wish is my command."

By the time I was 12 my father and sister moved out, leaving my mother to work 6 days a week, 12 hour days. She had a hard time making ends meet. I had to find my own job and pay for my own clothes, which I bought at Salvation Army, and pay for my own food. I was my own breadwinner way too early on in life. And while it gave me some freedom to feel independent and self-sufficient, it was a struggle. My mother did a "good job" teaching me that everyone was, or at least should, live in scarcity mode and be a minimalist. I learned to reuse everything, including sowing together the holes at the bottom of my feet and using completely worn out clothes to patch holes and tears on my favorite jeans. I never heard of the concept that a "prince and knight in shining armor" would one day come and "rescue me." I wasn't broken, I wasn't threatened and I didn't need rescuing, least of all from myself. And for that I am grateful to this day.

Growing up like this I learned to do things from scratch, everything from bread, salad dressing, jam, I even made mayonnaise from scratch. I planted my own flowers in the garden, rather than buying them in a store. It was a very feminine time at the same time as it was a very masculine time.

Over the years however, I am realizing, from looking at my own facial map, that I dabbled way too much in the masculine area of life, foresaking my feminine essence. A couple of years ago I felt as though I needed to do something "feminine" for myself and I joined a belly dance studio and paid for one full month, which allowed me to take as many belly dance classes as I wanted to. I went 4 times a week and boy was I surprised to discover that my limber body was completely out of balance. First of all, I'm pretty flexible, do the splits and purposefully keep myself that way because I've lost use of my body before and appreciate my body immensly. So I thought shaking my hips would be a slam-dunk experience for me. I could shake it up pretty good on the right side but when it came time for my left side to follow along I was suprised to find my left side to almost "foreign" to me.

For those of you who don't know this, the right side of your brain, your intuitive side (moon side) is responsible for the left side of your body, which also relates to your mother or your feminine side in general. The left side of your brain consequently is your analytical, masculine side and is responsible for your right side of your body, you father's side, your strong side. Injuries to your left side of your body are often related to your feminine side, mother side, etc. Right side injuries are related to your masculine side, father side. Etc. It's pretty intuitive from here on out...

So my left side, mother and feminine side, was completely locked up and stiff and wouldn't swing and raddle to this sensual belly dance music at all. I was suprised to not only see the difference in the mirror, I was especially shocked at the way my left side felt. It felt as if the left side of my body didn't belong to me.

It made me sad at first, then I realized how much I had let the "little girl" in me be neglected, and it spurred me on to do more for this feminine side of mine. I stuck with the belly dance classes and decided to take a jewelry making class. I learned how to design from the right side of my brain and put my design on a piece of paper, saw brass and silver and create a beautiful piece of art (I designed two interlocking hearts that were joined by a crown). Then I took a precious metal clay class where I learned how to make silver earrings and other intricate designs. These experiences were very different from my upbringing and farm life.

This year I decided to take my "practice in femininity" to the next level and allow my feminine to be led, truly led by a man. I couldn't think of anything better than to take some Salsa classes. Not because I wanted to be a professional ballroom dancer, but because I knew that being led on a dance floor must be my ultimate challenge. Having been such a leader of my own life, my own finances and even screwing up my marriage because I constantly wore the pants, I knew taking partner-dancing would be my ultimate challenge (besides being in a relationship of course).

And I'm proud to announce that I did great. In fact one guy told me that approximately 20% of all women know even remotely how to follow and of the same 20% I probably belong to the top 1 or 2%. That made me feel really good!

I'm ready for the ultimate balancing act now: the relationship!

Well, so I thought at least. I'm learning, as you will too, that being ready to be in that one special Twin Soul relationship does take two to make the yin-yang complete. So where is my Twin Soul? Where is my special beloved and why has he not heard my call yet? What is it in me that repels him? What scares him off or keeps him away?

I know in the end the journey that seems to look completed once we have found this other person, will only lead us right back to ourselves. In other words, I'm not looking to be made complete, because I'm already complete. I am looking for the ultimate place of balance, the ultimate place of zero, of stillness where time and space disappear, where bodies disolve into nothingness and where we can die a mini-death that can only be described as divine.

And so I'm learning and realizing about myself that when I want something, I want it now. Actually, I want it yesterday. Patience is a virtue and therefore feminine. Impatience is masculine. It's like a tree (feminine) who stands firm on her roots, waiting patiently for her partner, the wind, to come and ruffles her leaves. She knows that he'll come, without a doubt he'll come.

Likewise, my beloved, I shall wait for the one who is available and ready, because he hears not only my calling, he hears his own calling within his own heart. It's like the Native American said in my dream last night as I was hugging him:

"The drums of your heart are transporting me home before many lifetimes when we were one."

The Sun and the Moon - Perfect Leader, Perfect Surrender

On a constant, exiting and exhilirating journey to finding my own Self in my relationship with my true Twin Soul, I am left to working on myself. The visions continue pouring in, the journey continues getting more and more full with guidance, milestones and tremendous insights from what seems legions of helpers.


Relationships are meant to be so easy if we just watched and followed our examples of Mother Nature. Yes I know, it's easier said than done - but truly, if we were to look more, feel more, and be more, and talk a whole lot less, than all our questions would be answered and not only that, but we would also be given the steps of HOW and WHAT to do next.


Let's look at our biggest examples. They're so big they're in our face every day. Yet we seem to miss them all together because we've never stopped long enough to "get it" and soak them in. And because we've gotten used to them. So here it is. Soak it in, think about it, meditate about it, watch them, and let them do the work inside of you, and you're off into a whole new direction in life.


What am I talking about?

The sun and the moon. Male and Female. Our perfect examples.

• The sun is masculine, the moon is feminine.
• The sun radiates, the moon contracts and takes in, she absorbs.
• The sun is light, the moon is dark.
• The sun initiates, the moon receives (and regives the sun's light in equal measures back to him).
• The sun is much farther away from their "child," planet Earth, the moon always circles around her "child" and protects it.
• The sun never tires and never withholds his rays under any circumstances.
• Even when the moon seems to hide her face or hide behind her child, the sun continues shining his rays in complete trust that eventually she will come forward again and show her full face.
• Likewise the moon trusts that when she's ready to show her full face again, he's there shining on her in his full leadership.
• He always pursues her, he never tires of pursueing and chasing after her, even when she hides behind their "child" he continues pursuing her, knowing full well that she'll always reflect back his amazing glory in due time.
• He never ceases to trust in his leadership and his mission.
• While the sun is simple and steady, she has her rhythms and they both allow each other their purposes.
• Never for a second do either one of them leave their galactic path; they're a team and they stay on course.

Sounds pretty simple doesn't it? It is!

Imagine the sun having an attitude because she's on her "cycle" and is hiding from him, so he decides to stop pursuing her, and stops shining his light on her. Imagine if she decided to hop over to another galaxy, abandoning their union and their "child" planet Earth, while she's off duty getting light from another galaxy's sun. We'd have a cosmic disaster.


Granted, no one probably ever thought of it this way because we've come to blindly trust that the sun always comes up, and always shines. We know the moon changes our attitudes during a full moon and we are googly-eyed over her full face over a beautiful lake and we feel her magic and yet what we're really looking at during a full moon is a reflection of HIS light.

All a great woman ever does is hold his space and reflect what he first gives her (and it should be nothing but warmth, light and leadership in which she can trust).

In other words, a great leader is always reflected in his woman's face (as is a leader that withholds his leadership). You can always tell when a woman radiates and when she's in pain. It never fails to be traced back to the masculine somehow. And I'm not saying this to point the finger at men when your woman is sad. I am saying it to highlight and underline the tremendous power you, as the male, have over any woman. Do you realize, truly realize that your power is all that matters on this planet? And that your woman's ability to hold your power, surrender to you and reflect back your power to you is what closes the circle of life and completes life??

But what if the woman is simply disconnected or absent and too numb or dull to even feel his rays, let alone reflect them back to him? It's called a lifetime of disappointment and a lack of chance to ever be able to surrender into her man fully...Do you as a woman even know what it feels like and looks like to be be completely surrendered where time and space and even the edges of your body completely disappear and disolve into your sun?


I'm learning that in order for the moon to be receptive of his full light, she must first of all be present. She must be willing to trust his leadership and she must never pursue him because she knows that is his job, not hers. In today's world where the feminine movement is teaching women to take over "male roles" and to give instructions to employees, both men and women, we have become depolarized and de-feminized (if that's even a word). There's nothing wrong with having a powerful position in business, provided the woman doesn't become a man internally at her core. I find that most CEO women's first act of faith is to chop off their hair and to wear suits like men do. Why...


Having grown up developing my masculine essence to the "t," I know how hard it is now for me to give over the reigns to the masculine. And I don't mean the masculine within me, but the masculine in a man. I find that most men are "pussy-whipped" and they're confused as to what a true leader's role is. I find nothing more repulsive than a man who doesn't know his purpose and doesn't follow his true calling. And likewise, I find nothing more miraculous and attractive than a man who knows his purpose and follows it wholeheartedly, with a "no matter what" attitude. Such a man I can follow, such a man I can trust, such a man I know I can't push around and not that I'm looking to push my man around, but I need to know more than anything that he can stand up for himself, his purpose and most of all, for what is right (in spite of me). Only then can I truly surrender and be all woman and give up control and give up the reigns and do what I do best: be a woman who reflects back to him what he first gave me - his unconditional leadership and love to his mission, which includes me.

Where to find such a man?



I'm realizing that it's not about finding him as much as it is recognizing him and most of all, letting him find me and recognize me. I'm realizing that it's not my job to chase after him. It's his job to chase after me...He'll know when he sees me and feels my essence. He will be relentless in his pursuit of me because he knows that I am part of his mission because I make his mission easier by helping him multiply his rays (by reflecting his own love back to him).


Is your Moon truly out there?


I also realize that men reading this may wonder if their "moon" is truly out there. It's a scientific and astronomical fact that all planets and moons are born of Suns. What this means is that your seed was here first. Therefore, your moon must be "out there." It can't be otherwise. But before finding her "out there" you must find her "in here." Remember, she was born of you, so you had her at one point. In fact, she never left you, it only appears this way. First recognize her within you, call her within you. All you need to do to "find her again" is to decide that you're the leader, man up about ALL areas of your life and be about YOUR purpose. Shine, shine, and shine some more. And before you know it you will recognize her in front of you because what you are recognizing is in reality your Self.


Is your Sun truly out there?

As far as women is concerned. You were born of your Sun and he's obviously shining out there "somewhere." Likewise you're just hiding your face, in an eclipse type of mode, so you can't even see that he's looking for you. Be your Self, go inward, recognize him there first, be the "dark" and mysterious that you are and find his light there first. Be all woman, all feminine. Stop playing the role of your man. Yes, if you're single and a single Mom at that, you must continue working and paying your bills and being father and mother all at the same time. That's okay, just play your feminine parts that way: all feminine! Start treating yourself like the woman you want to feel like; the way you want your man to treat you. Call him through your actions of how you treat yourself first. Surrender to his light now, even though he doesn't seem to be in the picture as of yet, and before you know it, you'll recognize his light from within and your reunion will be the joyous event that it is meant to be.

True Femininity

What does true femininity mean? Many may point out a sensual woman, an actress like Sophia Loren or Marilyn Monroe. A woman who is curvy, voluptous and carries it well. One of my personal favorites is Jennifer Love Hewett - very feminine indeed. Femininity however goes truly beyong looks and an hour-glass figure. And then of course we have those that are so screwed up that they think anorexia is feminine (see photo below).

True femininity as in the opposite of masculinity, however, is something completely different all together. We all feature mascule and feminine sides and attributes, as it should be. And as a society we try to figure out what the "male species" and the "female species" is all about.

In Feng Shui things that are pointed or cornered are always male. Things that are round or wavy are always feminine. It's pretty simple and straight forward.

David Deida describes it this way: "If a man has a masculine sexual essence, then his priority is his mission, his direction towards the greater release, freedom, and consciousness. If a woman has a feminine sexual essence, then her priority is the flow of love in her life, including her relationship with a man whom she can totally trust, in body, emotion, mind, and spirit."

He goes on saying: "Your woman's core is fulfilled by love. Your core (the man's core) is released from stress by aligning your life with your mission. To you, intimacy is something to be enjoyed in addition to your purpose. To your woman, intimacy is at the core of her life, and the tone of your intimacy colors everything else she does."

"You (the man) are lodged in the heart of your woman. She feels you all day. She senses where you are at. Feeling-threads from her heart are connected to your heart, day and night. You are not replaceable in her perception."

He continues saying: "Without a deep and loving intimacy - with you or with the divine - she hurts. It will never work for her to try to quell the pain by absorbing herself in her career, her art, or her friends. If she has a feminine essence, she must honor herself by owning her deep desire for the flow of love in her heart, just as a person with a masculine essence must honor his or her direction in order to be truly happy."

And my favorite part saying it in plain English: "If one of your highest goals is psychological or spiritual reedom, then you will highly value your intimacy. Nobody will press your buttons or reflect your asshole to you better than your woman. She will point out your weaknesses better than a boot camp drill sergeant. She will reflect your ambiguity or clarity better than any workshop teacher. She will do you better than a whore and give you more loving than you can handle. And all the while she will shower your life with radiant blessing, healing, and enlivenment - if she learns to own her true feminine desires and you learn to own your true masculine desires."

I can't add to these words because they speak so true of how differently men and women function. Granted, we all have masculine and feminine tendencies. There is a core in each of us, however. And for me as a woman, my core needs to be "all woman." A difficult task for me because my Dad wished I was born a boy. He treated me like a boy most of my childhood and I didn't accept that I was a girl until I was 10 years old, long after I was enrolled in soccer, rugby, ice hockey and I came home dirty every night trying to catch frogs and crickets with the boys. I was a tomboy to say the least.

Femininity is new to me. Well, shall I say it's a new realization for me. It obviously has always been there (no sex change here, I'm all woman indeed). And at times I realize how powerful this feminine source is and I'm learning slowly but surely to stay in the feminine rather than hopping over to the masculine where it's much more comfortable (because it's so much simpler).

The masculine is black or white, up or down, yes or no - not much drama here.

The feminine seems to flow left, right, up, down, inside and out - how couldn't anyone get confused with all these directions! No wonder men are confused and never know what to expect!

So while I am waiting for you, my beloved Twin Soul, I shall have a lot of work to do finding my comfort zone in this wild, wild country of femininity. I may get lost from time to time, but I vow to continually work on becoming more feminine, and all the woman that I have come to be. Be it in the form of the make-up and clothes or wear (I just bought a pair of red high heels, my first I admit), or in the way I yield to a man's leadership because I understand and accept that this is his purpose.

Frankly, I'm tired and exhausted of looking like a woman, having a career like a masculine woman, wearing the pants in every situation and being a mother and father all at the same time. I long to be fragile, to nestle into your Being and to be able to surrender to you with my full confidence and trust.

It's time for us to be together and I am ready for you to come home...

Missing My Beloved

Is there anyone out there who knows what it feels like to miss someone so much that at times you almost want to close your eyes, this time for one last time because your pain is so unbearable, so numbing? Have you ever had the following experience?

I miss you, but the feeling comes for a few seconds here and there at first. After a day or two the feeling seems to reside more pronounced in the solar plexus area. After another day or so it starts to radiate out towards the stomach and the heart area, growing ever bigger. It's as if there is a "black hole" in the center where my shining solar plexus usually is. The pain grows bigger until it eventually makes you feel nauseated and sick to your stomach. It's as if there is a giant elephant standing on your chest, weighing as much as the whole world and then some. The pain increases and I get headaches and a sore throat. It's as if someone is having their hands around my neck as if they're wanting to strangle me. You don't know if your tear ducts are directly linked to the Pacific Ocean, they just won't stop crying. Appetite has long gone and the longing for long, uninterrupted sleep that lasts a few weeks or months start to become predominant. Eventually you start getting short of breath or start having breathing problems all together. Anxiety sets in. A bronchitis is no suprise, a cold or a flu is not out of the ordinary either until the entire bodily system starts to shut down. Thoughts of "why did this person leave me" and "what did I do to make him go away" start to circle in a forever spin inside my head. Victim mentality starts to take over and soon, reverting to a small and weak child curled up in a corner somewhere, crying her eyes out because she doesn't understand, start to take shape. Before you know it you don't even want to leave the house. When people invite you to go out you decline because you don't feel like you want to be seen in public. You'd rather stay at home sulking and missing your beloved even more.

Perhaps you've never experienced such deep feelings? Maybe you're asking yourself why anyone would let themselves go "that far" into the hole before they climb back out into "sanity."

Have you ever welded something together or seen something that has been welded together suddenly break apart? The tear never happens where the welding was done. In other words, when the parts separate there are parts of both pieces in each other. And when the one person leaves, he or she takes a fragments and pieces from the other person with them. Neither are whole. Both feel the separation on a spiritual level. It's agony, torture, to be separated from someone you love so much.

I thought about the word "missing" and what it really means. It's one thing to say: "I'm missing my car keys" and everyone understands what that means. It's a completely different thing to say: "I'm missing my loved one." But what does it really mean?

The dictionary states that "missing" means the following:

fail to spot, overlook, let pass, fail to notice, fail to see, neglect, ignore,

fail to take, lose, pass up, let pass

It didn't quite site with me and the pain this particular word "missing" is calling forth just doesn't measure up. So I looked up the word "miss" and here is what this means:

long for, yearn for, wish for, grieve for

I liked the word "yearn" and just had to look it up. It means:

desire, long, crave, ache, hunger

It's amazing to me how missing someone can turn us into such different creatures and Beings. What body part hurts when we miss someone? According to my description above mine seems to start out in the solar plexus area and then starts to radiate out from there. Yours may be different.

What can I do to make this pain stop? What can bring back my pieces so I can be whole again? What can be done to regain full confidence again?

When someone leaves you while they are still alive then it is a conscious choice. And since we have come to be free and to experience whatever we want Life to help us create, we can choose to suffer through missing someone or to simply make a list (mental or on paper) of all the amazing moments you've been blessed with to experience with them. Then hold a "funeral" for that relationship and let the relationship go. Let the person go, wish them well and realize that he or she has fulfilled their part of the contract. It may just have been part of the overall plan.

Then sit for a moment in silence, and realize that you didn't break after all. Even if it felt like you broke into a million pieces.

All shall be well.

True Friendship

Oh the comfort,

the inexpressible comfort

of feeling safe with another person.

Having neither to weigh thoughts

nor measure words,

but pouring them all right out

just as they are,

chaff and grain together---

Certain that a faithful hand

will take and sift them,

keep what is worth keeping

and with a breath of kindness

blow the rest away.

Written by Dinah Craix over a century ago.

May you find what you're looking for...or have the courage to create what you want...

Someone sent me an e-mail today in which it said: "Opportunities appear bigger when they're leaving than when they're coming." I am sad today, my love, because I'm fearful that you will let this opportunity slip by, which in turn will make so many people suffer and ache for love for even more eons. I pray for the journey of "us" to begin soon and I understand that my fear cannot be part of it, in fact, my fear is probably what's keeping you from arriving...

I ask for forgiveness, grace and mercy and the understanding to know where to place my foot next on this narrow bridge.

Rainbows, Visions and Twin Souls

Visions of the Day:

I am off on my "night job" and am asked what my job duty is. "I'm an Intergalactic Rainbow Collector," I answered. I am asked if I could explain what an intergalactic rainbow collector does, and I couldn't explain it because "they wouldn't understand it anyway."

Then I shake a man's hand and immediately a rainbow is transferred from his right hand to his left hand. Then I see a vision of him standing tall with his legs closed and his face towards heaven, arms spread out to this sides, with the rainbow strong and vibrant from his one hand to his other hand, and the holographic equivalent of the upper rainbow also appearing below, to complete the circle of the rainbow.

While still shaking his hand he FEELS this "special something" going through his body and he inevitabley knows intuitively and on every level, that something special just took place, but he can't decipher it and he doesn't see what I see. He's a changed man in one instant.

Then I come to.

The corresponding question: "What decision will he make concerning us?"

Translation:

While you feel this power and you are indeed a changed man, you still are not convinced by this power and you're scared to follow it. When Jesus asked his disciples to follow him not one of them made excuses as to why they couldn't or shouldn't, not one of them delayed saying that they had to go say good bye first. They followed him knowing intuitively that this is what they had to do. It was a calling.

Similarly, you too have a calling and you either follow your calling or you'll find every excuse in the book why you're too scared to. The choice of either decision is completely with you, although the consequences will affect both of us and then ripple outward and affect our families, our communities, our cities, our countries, this world, in fact it will affect galaxies either for the better or for the worse... That's how much power your decision has.

You're a rainbow here to illuminate others, helping them complete their circles of bliss. I can help because I'm half of the rainbow, as you are half of mine. But I can't do it alone...

My blessings accompany you and I shine my rainbow to brighten your path.