Missing My Beloved

Is there anyone out there who knows what it feels like to miss someone so much that at times you almost want to close your eyes, this time for one last time because your pain is so unbearable, so numbing? Have you ever had the following experience?

I miss you, but the feeling comes for a few seconds here and there at first. After a day or two the feeling seems to reside more pronounced in the solar plexus area. After another day or so it starts to radiate out towards the stomach and the heart area, growing ever bigger. It's as if there is a "black hole" in the center where my shining solar plexus usually is. The pain grows bigger until it eventually makes you feel nauseated and sick to your stomach. It's as if there is a giant elephant standing on your chest, weighing as much as the whole world and then some. The pain increases and I get headaches and a sore throat. It's as if someone is having their hands around my neck as if they're wanting to strangle me. You don't know if your tear ducts are directly linked to the Pacific Ocean, they just won't stop crying. Appetite has long gone and the longing for long, uninterrupted sleep that lasts a few weeks or months start to become predominant. Eventually you start getting short of breath or start having breathing problems all together. Anxiety sets in. A bronchitis is no suprise, a cold or a flu is not out of the ordinary either until the entire bodily system starts to shut down. Thoughts of "why did this person leave me" and "what did I do to make him go away" start to circle in a forever spin inside my head. Victim mentality starts to take over and soon, reverting to a small and weak child curled up in a corner somewhere, crying her eyes out because she doesn't understand, start to take shape. Before you know it you don't even want to leave the house. When people invite you to go out you decline because you don't feel like you want to be seen in public. You'd rather stay at home sulking and missing your beloved even more.

Perhaps you've never experienced such deep feelings? Maybe you're asking yourself why anyone would let themselves go "that far" into the hole before they climb back out into "sanity."

Have you ever welded something together or seen something that has been welded together suddenly break apart? The tear never happens where the welding was done. In other words, when the parts separate there are parts of both pieces in each other. And when the one person leaves, he or she takes a fragments and pieces from the other person with them. Neither are whole. Both feel the separation on a spiritual level. It's agony, torture, to be separated from someone you love so much.

I thought about the word "missing" and what it really means. It's one thing to say: "I'm missing my car keys" and everyone understands what that means. It's a completely different thing to say: "I'm missing my loved one." But what does it really mean?

The dictionary states that "missing" means the following:

fail to spot, overlook, let pass, fail to notice, fail to see, neglect, ignore,

fail to take, lose, pass up, let pass

It didn't quite site with me and the pain this particular word "missing" is calling forth just doesn't measure up. So I looked up the word "miss" and here is what this means:

long for, yearn for, wish for, grieve for

I liked the word "yearn" and just had to look it up. It means:

desire, long, crave, ache, hunger

It's amazing to me how missing someone can turn us into such different creatures and Beings. What body part hurts when we miss someone? According to my description above mine seems to start out in the solar plexus area and then starts to radiate out from there. Yours may be different.

What can I do to make this pain stop? What can bring back my pieces so I can be whole again? What can be done to regain full confidence again?

When someone leaves you while they are still alive then it is a conscious choice. And since we have come to be free and to experience whatever we want Life to help us create, we can choose to suffer through missing someone or to simply make a list (mental or on paper) of all the amazing moments you've been blessed with to experience with them. Then hold a "funeral" for that relationship and let the relationship go. Let the person go, wish them well and realize that he or she has fulfilled their part of the contract. It may just have been part of the overall plan.

Then sit for a moment in silence, and realize that you didn't break after all. Even if it felt like you broke into a million pieces.

All shall be well.