Relationships and their Impact on our Society

Marriage, divorce and relationships in general have a huge impact on our health and overall well-being. Just this week our county suffered a tragic loss to suicide. A 25 year old young woman who shot herself to death because her boyfriend broke up with her. If you've never "been that low" I hope you can reserve judgment for people who do go to the edge where pain seems too overbearing. The woman was not only beautiful, she was successful, had a great job with lots of promises ahead - yet nothing seemed to heal her heart from her break-up with her boyfriend. Suicide seemed like her only way out. As a suicide prevention counselor I see the complaint about loneliness all too many times, and most never call the hotline to get help. It doesn't have to be this way. Yet this is the reality for so many.

The bible says: "Let no man separate what God has joined together." (Please note that I am not religious and do not belong to any religious groups or churches.) If the word "joined" would have been translated accurately from the Hebrew, the word would actually have been "welded." Welding two people together, or anything that is welded together for that reason, cannot be ripped apart without damage to both parts. Any welder knows this, any jewelry maker knows this. Yet as people we rip apart our own marriages all day long.

But what if we forgot to pay attention to the middle part of the sentence? "Let now man separate WHAT GOD has welded together." What if your marriage wasn't welded together by God at all? What if it's us humans getting infatuation confused with unconditional and true love, which causes us to squeeze a square peg into a round hole? Can we truly say then that God put the marriage together? Some of you may say: "Well, we are all gods, God acts through us, therefore, we are gods of our own lives." Yes, that is very well true - we are also told that "The Heart is deceitful above all things." Knowing that full well, I also know that now looking back, my "red flags" came along right with the feelings of love, of wanting to truly make it work, of wanting to be "at home" with this person for the rest of our lives: "Until Death Do Us Part." I shrugged the red flags under the rug and only looked at the good feelings and intentions, hoping the red flags would disappear over time, or be transformed over time. Ah, I was notorious for HOPING that he'll change, or that IT will change. And it never does, does it Ladies...

And now in hindsight, almost 4 years later, I have learned this wisdom. God never welded together our marriage at all. THAT was the thing we tried to do for almost 15 years, we tried to weld and mold and join and weld some more. But it would never stick long enough. It was exhausting to say the least. And our marriage never welded, never joined, we never succeeded at squeezing the square peg into a round hole...Let’s look at some statistics (Source for all statistics: http://www.divorcereforum.org/):

1. America has the highest divorce rate in the world

2. The number of divorces has quadrupled from 4.3 million in 1970 to 18.3 in 1996

3. Divorces cost Americans $33.3 Billion each year

4. Each divorce costs the government approximately $30,000 in increased food stamps, juvenile delinquencies and increased bankruptcies

5. 75% of all divorces are initiated by women (I heard that 85% of women today don't even want to get married anymore)

6. Divorce counts for a major reason of suicide amongst males

7. There are almost 1 million attempted suicides each year

8. 50% of all children involved never see their fathers again one year after the divorce

9. Children in single family households are twice as likely to develop serious psychiatric illnesses and addictions later in life

10. Approximately 1 million children each year are affected by divorce

11. Fatherless homes account for:
• 63% of youth suicides
• 90% of homeless / runaway children
• 85% of children with behavior problems
• 71% of high school dropouts
• 85% of youth in prison
• 50+ % of teen mothers

What does this statistic have to do with chronic illness?

a. I believe that most illness is caused by stress.
b. I believe that most stress in today's world is caused by mismatching ourselves with the wrong people (not only our marriage or love partners, this also includes the families we live with, the friends we choose, the bosses we choose to work for, and the overall environment we set up around ourselves).

WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES? And for what?

Do we suffer "in the name of love?" There is not much love there trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole, hoping for the square peg to one day fit. It'll never fit. Just like Hydrogen and Peroxide will never make water, a wrongly matched couple will never create anything productive and useful for humanity.

Are you asking yourself just about now: "I wonder if I'm with the right partner." Then read between your own lines, because your answer is within that same question...

There is nothing wrong with waiting for the "one and only" - your Twin Soul. On the contrary: bliss and true love await...

The Prison Within

Many years after his miraculous escape from prison, a tinsmith recounts what made his escape possible. His wife, a weaver, had woven the design of the lock to his prison cell ino the prayer rug upon which he prayed five times a day. Realizing that the prayer rug contained the design of his cell's lock, he struck a deal with his jailers to get tools to make small artifacts, which the jailers then sold and profited from. Meanwhile, he also used the tools to create a key to his cell, and one day made his escape.

The moral of the story is that understanding the design of the lock that keeps us imprisoned can help us create the key that will unlock it. It also describes the condition of most of humanity: imprisoned in the labyrinth of our own lives. At times of a crisis feelings such as inadequacy, deficiency, emptiness, lonliness and unhappiness, we may get some insight glimpse to our true confinement. The prison we're in has been created by us, and the key to unluck this prison is within us as well.

Just a little while ago I had a conversation with a 52 year old single man told me that while he is looking for the love of his life, all his married buddies don't want to go home to their wives. They feel like their homes have become their prisons. We had an interesting discussion about marriage, home life, being devoted and dedicated to another person and putting that ring on the finger. What does it all mean?

Having been married myself for 15 years and now having been single for nearly 5 years, I understand the "dilemma" of finding "the one and only" and I too think about whether or not I ever want to get married again. After a disussion with a good friend we came to the conclusion that married people go home because they "have to." Single people go home because they "want to." I'm grossly generalizing, of course, but perhaps you understand.

The way I see it for me is that I first need to realize, see, and admit that I am living in a self created prison. I created it, I can also create the key to get out of it. "Out there" is freedom and yet paradoxically "out there" really means "in here." Only when I am free within can I be free without and can I attract my other (also free) Twin Soul. And together we can live a life free from burdens and "shoulds" and "should nots" and enjoy the freedom and peace that comes from "letting be" and complete detachment.

Much love for 2009!