Breaking Bowls - Breaking Hearts

Someone sent me an e-mail to yesterday’s post, asking what was the “thing” that made me choose to end the relationship and if I would ever “take him back.” The answers bare to be posted here, because I understand that there are so many out there in similar situations who are hurting.

There was not “one thing” that made me leave, it was an accumulation of pains and hurts over time. It was the continual begging to stop being hurt and the continual abandonment and being ignored in my request. In the end it came down to leadership. I'm a strong woman and I need to be led powerfully by my man just like the sun controls the entire galaxy and the moon reflects her sun's rays of sunlight, I too could only reflect what he first gave me. I started to wither under his cheating rays, not knowing how to deal with it, how to reflect it back to him. I brought my sorrow to him and asked him to deal with it and fix it. He wouldn't. He continued hurting me. Perhaps that's why people's first reaction is to go out and cheat too. I function very differently when it comes to hurt and I certainly would never want to cause the pain I feel on the other person. I want to overcome evil with good. But the good I did wasn't enough, he continued hurting me.

When someone lies to you and they come forward with the truth, show remorse, ask for forgiveness and then do whatever it takes, including bending over backwards, to restoring that broken trust, over time you can perhaps regain your trust in that person. Of course, best would have been if the lie never would have been told in the first place. In the case of continual cheating or continued lying, no matter what the situation is, it’s a whole different ballgame for me. You can’t cheat on someone knowing that it hurts the other person and give a lame “I’m sorry” and expect trust to be restored when in fact you have no intention to stop hurting that person you supposedly love so much. Life and love don’t function this way. Abuse perhaps does.

What’s more important in a relationship: Love or Trust?
Can you live with Love but without Trust?
Can you live with Trust but without Love?

In my opinion Trust IS Love. I can’t live with Love but without Trust, because they are one and the same to me.

As we became more and more intertwined in each other and we started to feel what each other was feeling even when we were apart, when one awoke in the middle of the night to feel the other person’s anxiety, and when I started to be so in tune with his body and spirit that I could slip into his bloodstream to “float around and have a look” to the point where I could see his blood pressure go up or down, it became increasingly difficult to feeling unsafe with that very same person. It will always be beyond me how anyone can say that they love someone and turn around and sleep with someone else. He could have spit in my face and it wouldn't have been as degrading or hurtful.

It got to a point where I would literally feel him having been with this other person. I felt it on every level of my being. It felt as though miniature soldiers were inside of me cutting in half my every blood cell, every molecule and every atom of my being. I literally felt sliced in half.

The anticipation and fear of having to go through so much pain over and over again caused me get curled up in a fetal position on my couch or in my bed crying and asking “why” and “please make it stop” and “please stop hurting me so much” over and over again to the point where I would feel like I was about to throw up. I never got an answer that made sense.

There came a time when I asked myself why I would put myself through so much agony - what for?

Each of us have a replica of a golden bowl somewhere on another plane. Each bowl consists of a unique sound, it is your sound, it is what makes you tick, it is what you use to get back into balance. We hear this sound on a daily basis as we go through life. Whether it be from a car zooming by, a bird chirping, a door closing or a person talking. This tone of yours is present all around you and you pick it up completely subconsciously as you go through life. Without hearing or making this tone you would literally die. It’s the vibration of this tone that holds everything together (yes, even deaf people can “hear” this sound). That’s why some people’s voices are soothing to you and others are irritating to you. Some speak “your tone” and others conflict with it.

The language of the Native Americans is soley comprised of these sounds. The goddess Isis was given the key to unlock the sounds by the God Ra that would allow her to instantly manifest anything she wanted. When you are so in love with another person that you can “hear” their bowl resounding just by you touching them is when you know you’ve got a once in a life time chance of having a relationship that can’t be manufactured, can’t be learned, can’t be obtained, can’t be tweaked at a therapist’s office, such a relationship “just is.” No effort needed to making you sink into each other and becoming truly one being. Your bowls become one. When you have such a relationship you know you have reached heaven on earth and you protect it with all your might; nothing becomes as important as protecting and fostering and nurturing the growth and safety of this sacred and holy union.

I believe we had this opportunity and I also believe that he destroyed it by not protecting it and by shattering our bowl. And so I walk away broken-hearted, perhaps until another life time when he's ready to see what I see, and know what I know.

Unfortunately for me I “saw and heard” more than he did and his actions shattered the bowl we both shared together. The little girl in me went on for weeks picking up the broken pieces, trying silently to put them back together, only so he would shatter them again.

It was when I woke up in the middle of the night over and over again, crying, waking up for days on out with swollen eyes, not feeling like I was heard or taken seriously, but feeling like I was nailed to the cross each time he was with this other person, that I realized that I was the one allowing this pain to continue for as long as I didn’t stop it. Yes, love shouldn’t be this way, it shouldn’t hurt this way. Your partner should hear you and hold you sacred and do whatever it takes to heal the pain, especially when he is the cause of it.

Would I ever take him back?

I don't believe in going backwards and I dislike it when people say: "I want things the way they were back when." We are a growing, changing, moving and ever evolving people. You can never bring things back, you can create new experiences and new memories. Having said that, the fact remains that he still feels so much like he was my Twin Soul, and I am trying to sort out in my meditations if it is possible for one half to "lag behind" on the spiritual journey by so much distance that he could put his other half through so much torture. Logically speaking people are unique and on their own individual journey, of which parts are walked alongside others. We never have the exact and identical journey as another person, it's what makes us humans, it's this thing called "free will" and "freedom of choice."

Having said that what remains for me to look at is the character trait he has of being able to hurt me in ways that I have never been hurt before. And doing it continuously and in spite of me begging to stop. I am concerned that even if he had a change of heart, that eventually and over time he would revert back to a cheating stance and let me down again. During my own 14 year marriage I had one thought of being unfaithful to my husband, it was during a most unhappy and abandoned time in my marriage, and I remember feeling the guilt of the thought. It bothered me so much that I confessed it within just a few days of having had the thought. I felt terrible about letting my husband down, even if only in my mind. He graced me with mercy and forgave me. Cheating or even the thought of it is simply unthinkable to me, I just don't have it in me. And I would like to think that my Twin Soul doesn't have it in him either. The fact that this person does have it in him and not only that, but continued to slice me in half over and over and over again, knowing and seeing me in agony, tells me that he just doesn't care to provide that safe space for me that he demands for himself.

In the end he's made his choice more than once, and to this day the little girl is on her knees picking up the pieces to making her bowl whole again. Will I regret having let the most beautiful relationship go? The only regret is not knowing what could have been. The relationship was so beautiful that when my true Twin Soul shows up it will truly be earth shattering. If this guy was a "taste" of what's to come, then watch out because it will be truly magnificant. So I have only love and compassion and empathy and safety to look foward to. Something this person wasn't willing to truly offer me whole heartedly.

You had also asked if I was having any hard feelings towards this person and how I managed to let him go in peace. In all honesty, I do have hard feelings towards him and it's a continual struggle for me to sever the cords and ties. He will always be such an integral piece of who I am and every heartbeat of mine pumps a holographic replica of our union through my veins. It's as if I can't get rid of him or his memory, no matter how hard I try. I work on forgiveness daily, even hourly.

Remember, time is a great healer. And whether or not I'll ever be able to rid myself of these holographic memory patterns in my blood stream and energetic field is not so important as it is to wrap him up in the golden light that spells love and forgiveness. I don't know what his future holds, this relationship we had may just have been the only true relationship he ever experiences, leaving him searching and longing for the rest of his life, regreting having let go the most beautiful thing he ever had. That would be a shame indeed, because nothing is worse than having let go your one true love when it was in your power to nourish it and grow it and make it be whatever you wanted it to be. If he truly knew and felt what his actions put me through, I'm sure he wouldn't have done it. Ignorance is bliss in many situations. I gave up the right to be ignorant a long time ago.

Having said that, he is a wonderful person and has so many qualities that I have longed for in a man. If there ever was a person I felt like I clicked with in unison, it is him. If there ever was someone I felt truly ONE with, it's him. If there was every anyone I could see myself grow old with, it's him. If there was ever a man I wanted to surrender to, it's him. Unfortunately, when I pushed against him and told him to stay away, he obliged instead of pushing against me and leading me even harder, telling me and showing me that he truly felt the same. He crumbled, he gave in and gave up, instead I needed him to man up. If there is one thing I have learned it's that we can't squeeze square pegs into round holes. No matter the pounding, the edges will never be round enough to be a perfect fit. So let go of the tiresome and unnecessary work and see it as an amazing learning experience. I love him for giving me the gift to stay strong and to stay true to myself; for allowing me to walk through the fire, no matter how much it hurts. When I said "don't call or come by anymore" his response was "I'm sorry the timing for our relationship was off." Instead I needed him to come from a place of "I'll do whatever it takes."

As far as my future is concerned, it looks shiny, bright and happy and filled with true love because it is all I have to offer. I don't have it in me to hurt someone else, to cheat, to lie and deceive. I gave up living like that a long time ago, it takes too much energy to be something that I am not. I'm a lot more at peace being the woman I have come to be. A Tigress she is. It's just going to take the right man, her Twin Soul, who is willing to step up to the plate and bring her forth and out into the open where she can live in safety, knowing that her love will always hold her in utmost safety and would never do anything to hurt her. I look forward to that day and I know that day is just around the corner...

All my love to you, Readers!