Hard Women

After my last post about the sun and moon, something interesting opened up in me. It's nothing new to me that I should write about something and before I know it, more of the same topic suddenly surrounds me with plenty of examples to feed on and grow by. We live in an amazing Universe.

I talked about women who become hard and start to show "jagged" lines in their facial maps when they turn into "men" and start taking reigns into their own hands. I seem to know this better than anyone, having grown up with a father who was disappointed that I wasn't born a boy. While I loved hanging out with the boys and seemed to have a lot more in common with them when growing up, it's as if I was screaming at the Universe: "More of this please!" and the Universe submissively obliged by saying: "Your wish is my command."

By the time I was 12 my father and sister moved out, leaving my mother to work 6 days a week, 12 hour days. She had a hard time making ends meet. I had to find my own job and pay for my own clothes, which I bought at Salvation Army, and pay for my own food. I was my own breadwinner way too early on in life. And while it gave me some freedom to feel independent and self-sufficient, it was a struggle. My mother did a "good job" teaching me that everyone was, or at least should, live in scarcity mode and be a minimalist. I learned to reuse everything, including sowing together the holes at the bottom of my feet and using completely worn out clothes to patch holes and tears on my favorite jeans. I never heard of the concept that a "prince and knight in shining armor" would one day come and "rescue me." I wasn't broken, I wasn't threatened and I didn't need rescuing, least of all from myself. And for that I am grateful to this day.

Growing up like this I learned to do things from scratch, everything from bread, salad dressing, jam, I even made mayonnaise from scratch. I planted my own flowers in the garden, rather than buying them in a store. It was a very feminine time at the same time as it was a very masculine time.

Over the years however, I am realizing, from looking at my own facial map, that I dabbled way too much in the masculine area of life, foresaking my feminine essence. A couple of years ago I felt as though I needed to do something "feminine" for myself and I joined a belly dance studio and paid for one full month, which allowed me to take as many belly dance classes as I wanted to. I went 4 times a week and boy was I surprised to discover that my limber body was completely out of balance. First of all, I'm pretty flexible, do the splits and purposefully keep myself that way because I've lost use of my body before and appreciate my body immensly. So I thought shaking my hips would be a slam-dunk experience for me. I could shake it up pretty good on the right side but when it came time for my left side to follow along I was suprised to find my left side to almost "foreign" to me.

For those of you who don't know this, the right side of your brain, your intuitive side (moon side) is responsible for the left side of your body, which also relates to your mother or your feminine side in general. The left side of your brain consequently is your analytical, masculine side and is responsible for your right side of your body, you father's side, your strong side. Injuries to your left side of your body are often related to your feminine side, mother side, etc. Right side injuries are related to your masculine side, father side. Etc. It's pretty intuitive from here on out...

So my left side, mother and feminine side, was completely locked up and stiff and wouldn't swing and raddle to this sensual belly dance music at all. I was suprised to not only see the difference in the mirror, I was especially shocked at the way my left side felt. It felt as if the left side of my body didn't belong to me.

It made me sad at first, then I realized how much I had let the "little girl" in me be neglected, and it spurred me on to do more for this feminine side of mine. I stuck with the belly dance classes and decided to take a jewelry making class. I learned how to design from the right side of my brain and put my design on a piece of paper, saw brass and silver and create a beautiful piece of art (I designed two interlocking hearts that were joined by a crown). Then I took a precious metal clay class where I learned how to make silver earrings and other intricate designs. These experiences were very different from my upbringing and farm life.

This year I decided to take my "practice in femininity" to the next level and allow my feminine to be led, truly led by a man. I couldn't think of anything better than to take some Salsa classes. Not because I wanted to be a professional ballroom dancer, but because I knew that being led on a dance floor must be my ultimate challenge. Having been such a leader of my own life, my own finances and even screwing up my marriage because I constantly wore the pants, I knew taking partner-dancing would be my ultimate challenge (besides being in a relationship of course).

And I'm proud to announce that I did great. In fact one guy told me that approximately 20% of all women know even remotely how to follow and of the same 20% I probably belong to the top 1 or 2%. That made me feel really good!

I'm ready for the ultimate balancing act now: the relationship!

Well, so I thought at least. I'm learning, as you will too, that being ready to be in that one special Twin Soul relationship does take two to make the yin-yang complete. So where is my Twin Soul? Where is my special beloved and why has he not heard my call yet? What is it in me that repels him? What scares him off or keeps him away?

I know in the end the journey that seems to look completed once we have found this other person, will only lead us right back to ourselves. In other words, I'm not looking to be made complete, because I'm already complete. I am looking for the ultimate place of balance, the ultimate place of zero, of stillness where time and space disappear, where bodies disolve into nothingness and where we can die a mini-death that can only be described as divine.

And so I'm learning and realizing about myself that when I want something, I want it now. Actually, I want it yesterday. Patience is a virtue and therefore feminine. Impatience is masculine. It's like a tree (feminine) who stands firm on her roots, waiting patiently for her partner, the wind, to come and ruffles her leaves. She knows that he'll come, without a doubt he'll come.

Likewise, my beloved, I shall wait for the one who is available and ready, because he hears not only my calling, he hears his own calling within his own heart. It's like the Native American said in my dream last night as I was hugging him:

"The drums of your heart are transporting me home before many lifetimes when we were one."